cold feet. hands are shaking. emptiness in the chest. the urge. to hurt. to feel pain. crying. noises. screaming. drowning. not really. explode. pain. listen. listen. listen. don't ignore. listen.
\
get out. shut up. i am alright. stop.
almost 4 weeks clean
I am not good with having relationship with people. There are times when I need them so badly, and there are times when I find being alone is happiness. Solitude is what I prefer most of the times, and I'll be extra clingy to someone I really care.
Honestly, I am better off alone. Because I don't hurt people also the people that attached to me (idk... attached ke? aku je kot yang attached dengan orang lol but who knows lah en) don't have to worry about me. They don't have to guess when will my emotional breakdowns are. They should worry about themselves more because the onlyprson who can fix me is myself. They don't have to layan me 24/7 when I am being extra clingy that day because i feel so fucking lonely, empty and sad.
Being with me : having silly conversations that do not make any sense at all (sometimes), crappy jokes, listening to my rants and listen to me crying at 3 in the morning and laughing at little things that aren't even funny, having this constant checks whether you/ me okay or nah (deja vu...), showing my arts and idk njafmidakgm kndmgk nd
I am so bad at this; having relationship with people. Because I bring no good to them. No matter how hard I try.
Okay, enough.
I hope my family will be okay soon. Raya without grandpaps and others would be dull.although i don't really feel like celebrating it this year, but still, it would be meaningful to my parents.
rocking back and forth helps me sometimes.
goodnight
xx
