i honestly don't mind getting hurt physically, you know. like when my lips are chapped and bleed when i pull off the dry skin off from my lips or when i sprained my ankle so badly when I was 17 years old or when I had an operation. or when i accidentally cut my finger with a knife. or when my knuckles are bruised- purple, blue and red, and honestly I love the color. or when i hurt myself.
I like how they make me feel things. hurt, mostly. because i somehow feel relieved. sometimes, i wish i scrapped my knees or fall off from a tree to feel it.
Well, just to avoid myself from hurting myself, actually.
However, I hate getting hurt emotionally. I just don't.
The idea of growing up confuses me. Am I growing up? Does the existence of stress and conflicts mean that I am growing up? Does it means questioning my entire existence and wonder why the hell am I here? Does growing up means I have to deal with society's bullshits and figure out how to clean the mess? Hurting people when you didn't mean to? Falling in love too hard and break yourself at night? Mix around with strangers and be pseudo extrovert around people? Also, does it means that I have to mask what I really feel because some people don't really care about how miserable I am inside or how depressed I am sometimes? Choosing the masks every single day? Have to choose sides? Make decisions?
I don't know. As for now, I'll just keep on walking. Learning. Figure things out. One by one.
and hey, I'm making a positive progress in loving myself :) yeyz
( But hey, growing up isn't that bad, actually. Lol. )
I am scared of the future because I can't seem to imagine that I am there- in the future. I can't. I am not God, I know. I don't know how to explain this ngfngnfngfff. Am I going to die? When? So, why can't I see where I am heading to? Or am I gonna be in coma or something? I hope not though.
Thinking too much again. Well, fuck. I'm going to arrange my books now or maybe draw something.
goodnight.
