1. Truce- |-\
2. Straightjacket Feeling- All The American Rejects
3. Letting Go- Mayday Parade
4. I'm Low On Gas and You Need A Jacket- PTV
5. Just Keep Breathing- We The Kings
I am in the rabbit hole again and this time I wanna stay longer in there even though my body is aching. I somehow feel safe with all the bruises and cuts. They make me feel something; they make me feel alive after all those weeks of not feeling anything. Let me be alone for now. I'll come out of the hole when I am fully ready.
I am not alright and I am sorry for weighing people down. I am working on it; fixing and gluing the parts that are broken in me. I am working on it. And, well, I am not so sure who is staying and who does not and what is my place in their life. But the truth is, if I ever able to leave myself, I would too do like the rest of the people who does that. I couldn't handle my own self actually. haha. I remember the time when my friend said "I can't even stand with you anymore".
Insignificant.
But then, again, it does not really matter. I am gonna keep on rowing my boat or paddle my feet as hard as I can, as fast as I can, like a duck if my boat has holes. I am gonna be so independent.
I went for a movie alone yesterday and stroll around the shopping complex, bought myself an ice cream and having trouble with my bank card. and my parents didn't know that I went there alone. But told them when they fetched me.
I don't mind going anywhere alone now.
Even though really do wish someone would be there for me haha, because whenever i saw a good book or something funny and cool, i was all jumpy and excited and wanted to tell to someone but then I forgot no one was beside me so I kind of look like a fool yesterday. hahah. Actually, i asked a friend to come for a hang out or something but that person forgot or idk because that person didn't text me back to confirm it. so it is alright. probably busy. it's not important anyway.
I am happy. of course. i think.
memories. of course i miss them. every one of them. beautiful. but it's starting to ache me. so i stop. but i stumble through b.o.m. and the flashbacks started. cried myself to sleep. woke up but don't feel like getting up. worst, i found my old journals. of who i was before-- the broken me. the person people didn't know. the person who hid behind this body. disgust. of how much damaged i did. up until now. so i slept.
right now, i want to stay the fuck away from people.
regrets and mistakes that I made
haunted me every night
unwanted scenes and thoughts keep me awake--
running around in my head
telling me things that I don't want to hear
can't help but let them linger
because I am so tired to fight it all
tried to let them go
but they came back
stay away from me. not going that way anymore. enough. stop it.
