2016 makes me realized a lot of things and I am thankful that I am able to live throughout this year. To stay alive up until now. I'm not gonna say that this is the best year for me, nor the worst year I've ever had so far. No. But I can say that the bad days seems to fill most of the days than the good days do this year. I've been coping with things, especially with myself and my behavior.
Even though there is still like 2 weeks to end this year, I would like to conclude everything now. Why? Because I can, that's why.
people can be Toxic to me and I can be a toxic to people too. I should love myself first and that no one can cure what I am having. To stay in my line and keep quiet about the pain I am in, the disease/the behavior I am in is never okay and I should talk to someone. I should love myself so much and not to be afraid of losing people for God knows the reasons why people leave me and I believe, I will get something better later. So does to the people that God remove me from them. Be kind to everyone is okay but don't forget to be kind to myself. Because I tend to be so hard on myself and this is never okay. I should not punish myself for the things that I didn't do and I should stop feeling guilty for the things that I didn't do. I am full of green liquid, possessive (what's mine is mine), i feel toooooo much and that, I have to accept but control it. Being sensitive is okay. And if people can't accept this side of me, I should know when to draw the line. Take risks, because hey, you only live once. It's okay to relapse as long as I know to get up again and continue to recover. RECOVERY IS REAL. I need to find help.
There are things that I find funny but not funny to people. I need to accept that I am not //that// funny so I might as well should shut up and keep it to myself or maybe to someone that understands me. I should not feel guilty when I talk a lot. It's okay. I am allowed to dismiss people that I am not comfortable with or would harm me. My self-destructive behavior, the cuts and scars do not define me. I, define myself and no one else. it's ok if people don't understand me and it is very important to realize the effort some people took to understand me. Thank you so much.
There are nights that I've tried to reach help but I didn't. I get depressed but i keep quiet about it and didnt tell anyone. afraid. scared. petrified. and because i dont know how to ask for help bcs I am used to say "takda apa"/ "it's nothing", when IT ISN'T nothing. it comes out without i have to even think of it. i am not okay. I am in pain. please take me away from myself. I hate myself. and i hope if u read this, you know why i reached u out and keep quiet. because the words are rolling over and over on my tongue and in my head but never reached the voice chord. it's pretty hard for someone like me. but i'm working on it. all i ever ask is to... stay with me through the storms and thunders.
I've met a lot of people. i mean, like A LOT a lot. I've lost some friends and gained some. To those who are used to be my friend, I forgive you and it's okay that we don't talk anymore. I miss you and it's okay that things are apart and there's no light of excitement anymore when we talk. I understand. Also I understand if you don't want to talk to me anymore. I've changed a lot, I realized that. It is normal when things are apart but it's such a shame that this kind of friendship that I hold on to since high school, ended just like that. Again, it's okay. I miss you and I hope you are well, wherever you are.
To those who are still sticking by my side despite how shitty I am most of the time, how horrible I am when I am having one of those days, thank you. Thank you for staying in this roller coaster, in this storm or whatever you want to call it. I hope that people can read this. Thank you kakak, for screaming "Stupid" at me months back, because I locked my door and because you were scared that I would try to hurt myself again and... kill myself or smthg. I am very sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.
To those who I just met this year, hi, I am a weirdo and there are a lot of things you don't know about me. So you are allowed to be freaked out before knowing me more or deeper. I get attached easily fyi. So, I am very sorry in advanced.
Stay safe, stay alive |-/
Always,
Aina
