"you're so bright. I like it the way how you make some filthy places to live in into another level"
"chin up. it will pass rather sooner or later. you have that spirit, aye"
"I hate to say it a lot because you tend to be more stronger from what I actually believe."
supposed to be 9 weeks clean yesterday. But it's only 4 weeks clean.
I don't feel anything. I don't know whether it's a good thing or nah, because this feeling will always lead me to another relapse... But, having this feeling makes me less sad or emotional. So, I am both scared and comfortable with this feeling. It's hard to grasp this. In fact, I don't know if it's make any sense at all. But I don't really expect people to understand this.
1. Wide awake. I feel like I'm in the box and everything around me moves slowly, as if time does not exist. I feel trapped but I can't move. Suffocated. I need to get out.
2. Floating. I can't feel the presence of anything around me. There's nothing on my left, right, on my head, under my feet-- nothing. Am I in the sea? In the deepest darkest sea? No lights. But how is it possible for me to breathe under the sea without the help of anything? Or am I in the outer space? But where are the stars? the milky way? the moon? Orion's belt? I am breathing, still. But how? Where am I?
3. I able to see myself. It's like... I can escape from my body and see what I am doing. I forget who I am sometimes. Should I be scared?
4. It feels nice when people compliment you. Not physically (i doubt that i am attractive, uh, no, never) but i don't know... when people can see you, the real you. the inside. the person behind the masks you're wearing. it's nice. I live for this. Also, it's very nice when people say
"I hope there's more people like you". Bless you, my friend. It's nice to have internet friends too. It's nice how people help you to not kill yourself even though you have the urge to do it when you're having that particular day. It's nice how some people remind you there are a whole lot reasons to live. and it is okay to forget how to breathe, and take it one day at a time. it's nice to have someone who stay up knowing that you're afraid of sleeping, the darkness and how the voices around you shouting at you, make your eyes blur, your body shiver and the urge to scream and cry.
It's nice to have people to be there for you even though how... mengada or bratty these look like to some people. It's nice to have people that doesnt make you feel like you're a burden. It's nice to have someone who understands you or even if that person does not, it's nice if that person takes time to understand you instead of leaving you alone in the middle of you breaking down, having meltdown or idk emotional breakdown ?
5. I love to be here once in awhile. Most of my posts are well... sad and I think it's okay? This is the purpose of the blog anyway. To spill out everything. This somehow makes me feel alive and I able to keep track on my progress. lol.
I am truly sorry, because I don't feel like myself today. also for the past few days.
have a nice day
x
ps: I have no idea what i just typed here but whatever. so tired and am so lazy to recheck everything.
