Hello fren

photos credit: me (!)


"I like to see people who sees the world differently than any most people do. 

I assume you love that too"

Hello. I don't think that I'm gonna pour everything here as often as I did back then. Because I feel a lot more comfortable to put down or document whatever that's happening to me in ink. Journal. Diary. Scrapes of papers. Whatever you want to call it. I feel alive when I'm writing. Typing is okay too. But the feeling of holding a pen, it is as if I'm holding a harpoon trying to fight the unwanted feelings, the confusion and the fucked up thoughts. I feel powerful although sometimes the papers smudged with blotches of ink. and blood (sometimes. don't worry. 5 weeks clean now).  

Degree life is okay. So far. I feel tired most of the time because of meeting a lot of people in one day. Nothing feels better when I am finally alone in my room at night. And have some time alone with my books and assignments. Degree life is slower than I expected and I'm not liking. Maybe it's just the beginning? I've already prepared for the worst. So cheers.

Wearing a mask everyday just to cover up the true person I am. I don't trust anyone here. I doubt that they'll understand me, anyway. Picking which personality that will fit for them to see, just to have a little number of acquaintances so I don't really feel lost. Does that even make sense? It is to me. 

Here I am again, just to release myself from the guilt I feel inside. 

I shouldn't depend on someone and I should know how to save myself by now. 

I admit it, that I am screwed up most of the time but that doesn't mean that I love being like that.

20.09.2016 

I 'woke up', not realizing that I brought myself in front of the window at 3 in the morning wanting to open the window. Screwed up. I don't know why I did that. Or maybe I do? I'm not sure. Safe. As I only open the curtains. I was so confused when I finally 'woke up' and hurried to my bed and looked for my phone to see the time. 3 a.m. . I was scared and couldn't sleep later until it was 4.31, well, that's the last time i checked my phone before i woke up to get ready for the morning class. 

hello fren, we meet again.

21.09.2016
It was raining. Not heavily, thankfully.
Class ended at 7.09 p.m. . It was dark. I was scared. I was alone. I hope someone was there for me. All I could think of was, "I'm going to die. I'm going to die. Someone's gonna kidnap me. Run run run"
A burden I was (and am). Shouldn't depend on someone. I should know how to protect myself by now. 
I can be on my own before why can't I now? I'm gonna be ok.

I feel stupid.

xxx

I'm not good with playing with words or vocab but i'm trying.
shiet.
It's so hard to pick myself up sometimes. I don't know how to explain this feeling. All I want to do is, to have a good cry right now. 

Please don't ask me why I am like this. I don't know. Stop pushing me. That's all. 

thanks

xo