To you,
the only person who reads my blog.
Hi,
I know, I was a jerk, the other day. I am sorry. I was shocked and wasn't ready to see you, actually. But I somehow feel... happy. for I haven't see you in awhile. Thank you for everything.
I forgave you. So, please don't blame yourself. Things happened and we should just forget about it. I forgave you, because you deserve it. It's not your fault, remember that. I hope you forgive yourself.
Right now, I bet, you're getting ready for tonight's dinner. With your tux on and your blue bow tie, that we bought for the prom. I remember it all too well. I hope you're having fun and good luck for your performance. Well, I hope this time I can be there and watch you and wait for you after the performance and say "OH MY GO D YOU'RE SO COOL UP THERE !!". I tak dapat datang sana. My parents won't let me, I am very sure. I wish though. I really hope you're having fun.
You,
I am not at my best right now and not stable enough for you. We should be friends first, okay? I know, you love me. I... don't want to hurt you, and even so you said that it's worth it to feel hurt, it's just not right, okay? No one deserves to feel hurt. Not like this. Let me find myself, let's be friends first and see where our future leads us to.
You have a lot of things to discover ahead of you. Like, hey, next year you pergi US dah. And being in a relationship with me in this state is not the best idea. Let me find myself first, let me learn to do things the right way and let me be stable enough and be like other human beings; normal. No more nightmares, no more crying out of terror at night, no more unstable moods and well, clingy 24/7. No more. You deserve the beautiful things in the world. You do.
You don't deserve to be dragged down into the rabbit hole I am in right now. It'd be fine if you wait me outside of the hole and say "Hey i know you can do it. Climb slowly and surely. I want you to be safe. ok?"
I really appreciate you. in fact, I APPRECIATE THE HECK OUT OF YOU.
Let's be best friends first. Please.
I just want the best for you.
We can still go out and have fun; go to the bookstores, arcade and movies and hey we can still talk about stuff and be crazy together. Okay?
I am sorry for every single thing that I've done. I hope you realised that you're a wonderful person.
I am scared of losing you too. more scared than you do because you will never ever gonna lose me. and you don't have to worry actually. Because you have this special place in my heart. always.
and lastly,
I am sorry.
