"You used to be a fun girl, kakngah. I wonder where did that girl go?"
"You used to dance around with your skirt shamelessly"
"What has happened to you now?"
"I was wondering where did that fun girl go?"
"Since you entered high school, you are no more that girl"
"I guess, high school is stressing you out and kidnapped that fun girl away, huh?"
"Well maybe high school makes you opposite to the girl you used to be because you're looking for perfection"
When I was little, my dad had this camcorder where he'd record everything. Where events happened. Usually. He'd record every little thing we did. And when we watched all the videos back, they're hilarious. And I feel like poking a fork on my eyes. Because I was just that hilarious. How naive and fun and how quirky I was. I used to dance and sing out loud because I can and oh hell no I don't care what you think. Good times.
Trust me those time was one of the best time of my life.
So the last 2 days, mama cleaned up her room and found these old CDs of the videos and the camcorder. They watched and laugh and laugh, going back to the old days and said, "did I really do that? Oh my god" and laughed. Hilarious. Everything was so fun or maybe those CDs just showed the only fun times we had and hide the bad times? But who cares? The fun times we had are precious and memorable and will be forever cherished by us. Me. Those bad times can go run along to the exit door and never come back. Haha. But really, was there ever bad times? Not sure.
I didn't watch the videos. Yet. I don't feel like to. It makes me sad of how I am so different than I was. I am no longer than funnn girl. I am a grumpy beast. A monster. Who likes to spend her time in her room, reading, wanting or striving for perfection. Well that's an utter bloody butterknicbkeum.
Yesterday, I reached home at 7 p.m. 2 hours after the school ended. And I thought, "wow, I have another 11 hours before I get back to school" I was tired. Fatigue. Exhausted. Worn out. And my back ached and my shoulder ached and i was dizzy. My head hurt. I decided to take a nap with my georgian t-shirt which soaked with my sweat. I feel like a human buttered with salt water. Or like i just finished swimming in the ocean ? They woke me up to have dinner outside. I was so tired and decided to stay at home. Alone. They off to have dinner. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried and cried. Not because they left me, but because I feel a pang in my chest that made me hate myself. I don't know exactly why. But yesterday, it did. Just like that. I cried. Feeling so relieved that no one was at home. Feeling so relieved I that I could let everything out. I don't know why I was like that yesterday. And it's okay now. I get worried when they left me. Not because of my safety though. I was worried of their safety. I think too much I guess huh? But things are okay now. Things was okay actually. I was just being dramatic. So that's that. Hearing your voice later that night made me so jumpy and happy.
Where's that girl?
things have changed, huh? I am not that girl anymore. I'm just finding myself, for now. Maybe I'm going to be that girl again. who knows, really.
Things have changed and so do I. But let me tell you this, I'm still finding myself. What happens next? Only Allah knows. I'll try my best to be the best version of me. It takes time but I'll try. Starting from... now! And to be honest, I still can't believe that I am seventeen now.
Sad isn't it? That fun girl was buried deep down under the dirt and long forgotten by me, myself. Let's dig that fun girl back shall we?
Bye xo
Ps: I am glad and thankful to those who still standing beside me despite my ups and downs moodswings and attitude. Thank you. May Allah bless your beautiful souls always. Til we meet again.
