I have an ocean of tasks waiting for me and I am both overwhelmed and in pain at the same time.
I don't know what to write on here, exactly.
But I do know that I hate myself for being different in college. I tend to talk more about useless stuff and exposing myself too much to strangers/ people, when I shouldn't do that. I feel disgusted. I lost myself for awhile that sometimes I feel like I am dissociating and floating around in the air, and feel nothing. Relapse for God knows how many times that I am so tired of counting the clean days, so whatever.
Slept at 9, woke up at 10.55,
fell asleep at 11, woke up at 12
I was shivering yesterday night, most probably because of the anxiety I had earlier evening that day. I want to cry because I hate to feel useless and numb from things. So I watched a movie with my little brothers, and thankfully I did that, or else I don't know what I would do. I laughed. I felt the air entered my lungs, I was alive. I am alive. I slept later after that.
Looking at the scars, makes me sad sometimes. For they are the permanent reminder of how I've fallen to its hands, how I've made mistakes and well, I get up and fight and still living and surprisingly, breathing to this day. I am going to be okay. I will. I hope.
I've been trying to look for help, but there's always something that holds me back. I am scared. I am really scared. I don't know what would happen next. I don't know. And I hope people know that I am not exaggerating things and I am not okay most of the time. I want and NEED some space, I want to breathe, I want to get help and I want to just be me.
I am alive. I woke up today. and this is okay. I wouldn't let it consume me, I will try to control myself, my life.
Always,
Aina
